This article was written by Swissty Damayanti on Stories of a Crumbling Fool
Have you ever had a little thought swimming in your head about something that you worry about, find yourself obsessing about it, then even more thoughts evolve from that initial thought, and the next thing you know you are questioning the very essence of your existence? Well, I have, and trust me, it is never a pleasant experience when this happens.
Last Friday, as a part of the new adventure in my career, I was given a task to write a blog article about the New Year in Bali. I leaped in excitement when I received the task as I made a huge career decision to pursue writing 100% recently. This opportunity would propel me to my dream job, a writer. So I came home from my current job that night with a smile on my face and pure excitement in my heart, knowing I’m going to be able to tackle this task. I mean, writing has been a huge part of my life and it is something I enjoy doing plus blog writing is not something new to me. Easy peasy!
So that night, I sat in front of my laptop, ready to write. This would be a walk in the park. Or so I thought…
15 minutes went by and I still haven’t been able to write anything. An hour and several cat YouTube videos later, I was still staring at an empty Word doc. At this point, I started to feel the pressure. Funny thing about our mind is that it seems to love to add drama to our already stressful situations and it seems to always come at the perfect time as well, as if our lives need more plot twists. So there I was, sitting in front of my laptop, already starting to feel the stress of not being able to produce a single word, then a simple thought popped out “What do you know about new year celebration, Sisi?”.
Then my mind began to justify that thought. First of all, I am not a party girl. Far from it. Yes, I enjoy a night out once in a while, but party girl? A big fat nope. Second, the closest celebration I have to welcome a new year is being able to stay awake until the clock strikes midnight and that rarely happened this past few years. This justification then led me to another thought “With your very limited information and experience of parties and new year celebrations, will you be able to write this article, Sisi?”. As if I wasn’t feeling enough pressure already, my thoughts then spiraled down to questioning my own ability in writing. Thoughts like “I’m not capable of doing this” “What the fuck am I getting myself into?” “Who am I kidding? I can’t do this!” “English is not even my first language, what if my grammar sucks?” to “I’m a total fraud!!”. Oh what fun time I had.
2 hours into attempting to write and I still haven’t produced ANYTHING plus my anxiety started acting up. Great! There I was, sitting in front of my laptop, and instead of writing the blog, I was thinking of the perfect words to be put on my hopes and dreams’ tomb. “Here lies Sisi’s dream of becoming a writer. That dream died before it even started. Rest in peace” or somewhere along the lines of that. Read More…